On the practice of facing myself
Some days, I feel anxious about not working, about not having a steady paycheck coming through, about not knowing exactly what my future holds. But, I’m treating this experience of anxiety, of living in uncertainty, like a practice. Doing it, even though I’m not sure where this path will lead me or if I’m really even moving forward at all.
In college, I first became aware of a tendency I had. Anytime I felt anxious, it felt like the anxiety would eat me alive. I couldn’t bear the feeling of just sitting there in a state of constant, gnawing worry. So I would do anything to get away from the feeling or redirect that anxiety into another emotion to distract myself. That’s when I learned that I needed to learn how to just sit with my emotions. That not every feeling needed to be acted upon nor did I need to run away from unpleasant ones. Anxiety and emotions, like all other things, pass. When we’re living in a certain experience, it feels like we must do something, anything. We can’t imagine just sitting around. Or, can we?
With the exception of a paycheck hitting my bank account every two weeks, this actually isn’t too different from how I was living while I still had a 9-5 job. I hated showing up to work everyday, but I didn’t know what else to do or where else to go. And because I could at least say I was working, I didn’t have to actually spend too much time contemplating what I wanted my life to look like. Instead of sitting through the discomfort of not knowing what I wanted to do or asking myself if I was truly living the life I wanted to live, I distracted myself with useless meetings and stretching work that could be accomplished in two hours over the course of an entire week.
Now, without a 9-5 job to distract myself and control my entire mind space, I find myself more frequently having to just sit through the anxiety when it comes. I thought that if I wasn't stressed out about work, I wouldn't really be stressed out at all, but that's not quite the case. Yes, my life is 95% better and I no longer feel like I'm barely hanging on to keep myself afloat, but it's surprising how easily our minds will create other worries in the absence of others.
I feel like I'm finally being forced to face myself—to take a good, hard look at who I really am. Without the stuff of the world covering me, hiding me, protecting me, I'm asked again and again...who are you?
Just like with any practice, things have gotten easier over time. Now when I feel anxious about taking a break, I don’t find myself rushing to apply to a bunch of random jobs that I know would be a bad fit. Instead of hastening to replace the anxiety with the compulsion of doing, I find myself able to just sit and be. If you're anything like me, you know how hard this is. You know that it's one hundred times easier to busy the body or mind with useless but distracting tasks.
I'm grateful for this opportunity to practice. I've put it off for many years while searching for the answers outside of myself. Whether or not I knew I was ready, here I am.