I’m not retired but it kind of feels like it
I’m currently in Seoul, South Korea—one of my favorite cities in the world. Korea is beautiful this time of the year—deep into spring with summer right around the corner. I am two-thirds through a two month trip. It’s been quite a different pace of life this last month as I’ve been traveling to different cities within Korea, was enjoying spending time with my mom and sister, and was also quite sick for two weeks.
As I stayed in bed for several days while I was recovering from a nasty cold/bronchitis, it made me wonder how I handled being sick while working. The only time I can remember taking more than a day or two off from work due to illness was when I had to go to the emergency room, but I’m sure there were plenty of other times I was sick for 3+ days and could have really used some a week off to recover. And now that I’m better, I’m once again able to do whatever I want during the day since the stock market doesn’t open until late at night KST.
A couple of days ago, as I was walking around trying to decide what to eat for lunch, I was hit with a feeling that is hard to describe. It’s the feeling you get as you’re getting ready to take another slice of cake after you’ve already had one. You know it’s delicious. You’ll probably eat most of the second slice but something about it isn’t fully satisfying like it would be if you were really hungry or hadn’t had sugar in a while. I’m incredibly thankful for the life I get to live and it’s one hundred times better than any life I had when I was working full-time at a 9-5 job. During my corporate career, my mental health and overall wellbeing was between 2-5 (on a scale of 0-10) at any given time. Now, I am consistently in the 7-8 range. There is no constant anguish and anxiety that used to taint every moment of life and that alone is a huge upgrade in so many ways. My mom always says that a vacation is only fun if you’re working and it’s not that I agree with this sentiment, but I was struck with an understanding of what she meant as I got to ponder the lucky question of what should I do with all my free time?
Everyday life here in Korea is lovely. I can choose what time to wake up. I can eat whatever I want. I can go anywhere I want. Especially living alone, being in a place where the cost of living is so affordable and my daytime schedule is wide open (since markets are closed), I feel even more free than when I am at home. While it is really nice, I do have moments where I wonder if I’m living my best life. When I think about my core values—freedom, joy, gratitude, adventure, generosity—my life feels good. I am honoring my highest value of freedom with this lifestyle as a trader/investor. However, I wonder if I am fully utilizing my talents and skills in a way that is meaningful to myself and to the world.
This is not a new question for me—it is one that plagued me for the last decade, especially when I was in corporate because the work I was doing felt so unfulfilling. Even the job that I thought would be fulfilling on some level felt extremely shallow and fake. There was no tangible impact despite all the lip service being done around positive impact on local communities and the environment. Earlier this year, I was contemplating a job at an impactful, quasi-governmental agency but knew the day-to-day would be soul-sucking in its own right. So, I’ve been trying to reframe the concept of impact to feel more relevant on an everyday basis by being a good sister, daughter, friend, and member of the community. However, this still isn’t enough for me.
What I was feeling that day was a sense of being purposeless. There is a bit of the classic hedonic treadmill at play, but as I mentioned above, I know that I’ve shifted my baseline happiness significantly. At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that I want something more concrete to focus on. It’s weird to be at this stage in my life in my early 30s because I always thought of myself as someone who is super ambitious. It’s why I showed many signs of success at an early age like having performed at Carnegie Hall a dozen times, founding the first women’s golf team at my high school, getting into a HYP school early. Sometimes, I look at myself and I genuinely wonder where that ambition went. While I don’t necessarily want the prestige and corporate success that was alluring when I was 22, I do think being ambitious about something and working towards it—in a sustainable and intentional manner—is a positive thing that can encourage growth, discipline, and impact.
There are few ways I’ve been thinking about how I can live a more purpose-driven life—these ultimately boil down to what I believe the world needs more of: art, more inclusive spaces, support for individuals and communities in need, and protection of the natural world.
Leaning into my secondary values of creativity, justice, health, wealth, and giving back. Some of the most ambitious and focused people I know are artists dedicated to some kind of craft. Lately, I’ve been enjoying pottery a lot and am refocusing on writing poetry. When I think about the kind of person I want to be, I see myself more as an artist than a CEO.
Helping build more inclusive spaces, especially for people with disabilities and seniors. This could include starting or buying a business in this space. I have thought about this quite at length, but I’m not really sure that going down the road of general contracting, home improvement, etc. is really the right skill fit.
Making a lot of money and donating it to people who really need it and the causes that matter. While donating our time and talents is important, in the world of philanthropy, what really matters is money.
Protecting the environment and environment. There are lots of little things we can do everyday like reducing our consumption of meat and plastic, buying secondhand/consuming less, using public transport, etc. This used to be very important to me, but I have to say I’ve really gotten off track and so will need to reconsider which habits I’m willing to reinstate.
Still, none of these are good or full answers. They are just the beginnings of a lifelong quest to discover and embody my purpose.