I’m 31 and obsessed with a K-pop boy group

I was showing my dad some ATEEZ videos the other day and he made a comment about how silly it is for a 30-something year old to be obsessing over a K-Pop group comprised of 25 year olds. It’s true—it’s a little ridiculous and maybe even a little sad given that the primary group of followers are in high school, college, or their early twenties. This is such a first world problem, but when I was a teenager, I never had any fun. I was so serious and focused on studying because I was on a mission to go to an Ivy League college and be successful. I thought that if I got into an elite school, I would be guaranteed a lifetime of happiness, so I didn’t do anything other than study and do things that I thought would help me get into college. I never went to concerts or obsessed over a boy band, so now, I’m letting myself enjoy this silliness. Because if not now, then when? p.s. I’m really excited to see ATEEZ perform when I’m in Korea next month.

Up until I got laid off, I put off joy. I always thought that I was still preparing for and working towards my “real life” to begin. I would tell myself: when I am successful, rich, and thin, I will be able to enjoy everything I always wanted—all at once. I blinked and I’m in my thirties, scratching my head and wondering what I was waiting for. I will never be as thin as I was in college. What was I thinking—hating my body when it was in the best shape it might ever be?

When I got into my first choice of college early action, people (e.g., my parents' friends, peers, random people who don’t matter) thought I was ahead of everyone else. When I graduated with a fancy investment banking job in NYC, the same people thought I was once again ahead of the crowd, likely to be more successful than the average person. Insert the same reaction to every milestone that society celebrates. But after I got laid off and decided to solo travel the world and leave my former career, people now look at me like I’ve kind of gone off the deep end. It’s a little reminiscent of when Britney Spears shaved her head and people were wondering what is going on. I can see in people’s eyes what they’re thinking: she had so much potential and she’s throwing it all away.

There are plenty of days that I also look at my life and wonder if I’ve gone off the deep end. Am I pulling a Britney? Objectively speaking, I do think that right now, I am behind the curve. At a point in time where many of my peers are advancing in their careers and making more money than they ever have before, I’m doing none of those things. I am essentially starting over. But, I also believe that this is a necessary and hard transition that will one day pay off. Most things are not glamorous during the phase where you’re putting in the work, especially since outcomes are never guaranteed. I can attest to this because my life is high school was the opposite of glamorous. In some ways, my joyless existence was really sad, but I’m actually really grateful to the hard working and focused teenager I was, because in many ways going to a top college did open a lot of doors for me and showed me I am capable of achieving the goals I really care about.

Because of how quick I’ve been to quit jobs, I always wondered if I wasn’t a gritty enough person. I always thought in the back of my head that maybe I’m not resilient and that I give up too quickly. But, actually I think it comes down to my judgment. For example, when I was at one of my startup jobs that was extremely stressful, there were two separate points in time where I could’ve left. If I really was not resilient, I probably would’ve left at either point in time, but despite how hard the job was, I was able to make the right judgment at the time and stay (at least until it was the right time to exit). But because I did stay through all of that, I now have the proceeds from a potentially once-in-a-lifetime IPO that enable me to live the life I have right now.

So, while my current life situation might not look great from what’s socially acceptable or optimal, I am trusting in my judgement and ability to make the right decision for me—as I’ve done many times before. Yes, it’s completely unhinged to leave a career that looked good on paper to invest and do a bunch of random things and just like others think, I am taking a step backwards. But, it’s an intentional step backwards versus just a random, blind stumble. Sometimes we need to pause, take a step back, so that we go much further in life. This is exactly the concept of betting on yourself that I discussed in this blog post last year. If your time horizon is only a few months or years ahead, then nothing looks like a good investment. But if you know what your end goal is and you’re disciplined in the areas you can control, there is a very good chance of success.

What evidence do I have that whatever I’m doing now is working better than the miserable corporate career I was in? First off, my health is in such a better place—both physically and mentally. I feel grateful that I don’t wake up anymore wondering if I can make it through the day. Secondly, I see the good habits that I’ve built to enable a healthier lifestyle that I benefit from on a day-to-day basis. There are two in particular that I’m proud of and show me how far I’ve come in the last couple of years. The first is that I’ve finally rebuilt a workout habit that feels good, is consistent (4-5x/week), and is intuitive (I pick something that I feel like my body would like on that particular day). I lift weights, use a stationary bike or elliptical, or walk outside. More than anything else, I’ve made the shift to seeing exercise as a privilege rather than a punishment. I used to think about workouts as a punishment or compensation for overeating, but now exercise has become a way to let go of physical stress in the body and to rejuvenate my energy. The second habit that I’m proud of is reducing my alcohol consumption. At my last job, I was drinking almost every single day. I needed a glass of wine to look forward to and to ease the last part of the work day. Now, I drink once in a while but alcohol doesn’t have a place in my life like it used to. These two habits alone are a testament to being in a better place, which can only lead me to greener pastures.

Here’s to making intentional choices for ourselves and choosing joy—today.