Grief over not yet being where we'd hope to be and regrets from 2023

In March 2023, the NYT published a piece in their Opinion section titled, "Millennials are hitting middle age -- and it doesn't look like what we were promised." After a few quotes, in bright green letters the question that is splashed across the screen is: is this it? Without even reading the article, I knew exactly what the article was trying to capture. Millennials have been constantly yearning for security and stability amidst recessions, layoffs, record levels of student loan debt, rocketing housing prices, and more.

As much as there is this frustration with the system and the larger economic and political landscape we cannot control, as I read these stories, there is an element of grief. Our generation wonders why after all of the time and effort we have put in, why do our lives only amount to what they are? I think most of us imagined by 30, 35, or 40 we'd have more...more things figured out, more wealth, more stability. Instead, we're disappointed in the systems that have failed us and perhaps even more so, disappointed in ourselves for not having been able to have achieved more.

I am grieving the life that I thought I would be living at the age of 30. I certainly did not think I would be writing about grief and the failure of my career in the basement of my parents' home. I thought that I would be like my parents, who had met, gotten married, and purchased their first home in their late twenties. Yet, here I am at the age of 30 -- single, jobless, and wondering where my twenties went. I've thoroughly covered all the things I'm grateful for in previous posts, so I won't go into them again here. After a week of relentless rejection, I just wanted to spend some time acknowledging that things are not so easy and that the underlying emotion I've been experiencing this past year has been grief.

Lastly, I am not one to really live with regret, but there is something deeply important I learned this year. I am someone who has long struggled with anxiety and the inability to sit with my emotions. I feel like I need to do something about whatever situation I'm dealing with even if doing so is completely unproductive. I think about how when I went back to Korea in September and October (unexpectedly due to my friend's wedding), I was so anxious about finding a job. Because I had officially hit the one year mark of my sabbatical, I was feeling particularly frenzied about figuring out my next steps. I spent a lot of time applying to jobs, interviewing, and stressing about not having a job. I probably spent about 80% of my in Seoul doing this rather than enjoying being in Korea.

Now that it's been a couple months back home and I'm still in the exact same position, I wish I had been kinder to myself. I wish I had done more exploring and traveling while I could. (I'm already missing being back in Seoul so much). Why didn't I recognize how precious that time was and that I wouldn't be able to get it back? I'm sure there will be a day in the future when I look back on this moment, too, and wonder why I didn't enjoy it more. So, here's to enjoying being wherever we are right now just a little more.