Why is this happening for me?
It feels like I have been in limbo, in this in-between transition phase for quite some time now. With the job market being where it is, it's been much harder to get a job that I would have anticipated a year ago. Sometimes I get frustrated and anxious about this situation, especially because this week, I was rejected from a role that I would have seriously considered, after multiple rounds (including a video interview, writing samples, an interview, and a case study). Because it was the one active role that I was most interested in, I put a lot of weight on this one opportunity. But again, after a few days, I was able to see that this job was just one opportunity and many things did not align with what I actually want. For example, this role would have required being in office 3+ days a week and monthly travel. It would have required a lot of meetings, socializing, and networking. In addition, it likely would've garnered some dissatisfaction because of the role's limited ability to actually have an impact. I was falling into the old pattern of chasing a "shiny job with a sexy title and prestige.
I took the time yesterday to write down what it is I actually need in a job and this is what I came up with:
Remote
Ability to work independently
I make the decisions
Ability to maintain my privacy
I choose who I work with
Have a positive impact that I can feel
Comparing that job to my list, it's quite clear to me that this job would not have aligned with my needs and what I want to prioritize. I was once again looking for a title that would boost my ego instead of meet my authentic self. I just finished Liz Tran's new book The Karma of Success and she has a framework for evaluating if decisions we're making are aligned with our authentic selves by seeing if the decision is being driven by our "Ego" or our "Inner Genius." The "Ego" is head-based, fearful, rational, reactive, afraid to change or fail, wants to be right, based on constructed identity, cares about what others think, and is agitated. On the other hand, the "Inner Genius" is heart-based, joyful, intuitive, patient, knows change is natural, learns from failure, based on authentic identify, cares about truth and goodness, and is calm. This framework has been so powerful in helping me see which side of me is pursuing something. It's clear the "Ego" was driving interest in this job. What was really telling was that during the interview, one of the interviewers asked me if I actually wanted this job. If someone wanted to invest $5M in a business I founded, would I want to go build that business or work at the job I was interviewing for? In my head, I was thinking 100% take the $5M to build a business but of course, I said I wanted the job. I think we both knew that I wasn't being honest and that this job wasn't really what I was looking for.
I've been asking myself: why is it so hard to get an offer? What is wrong with me? In the same book, Tran says we can redirect the question of "why is this happening to me?" to "why is this happening for me?" Again, this completely shifted how I'm thinking about this job hunting process. If I had landed another tech startup job the minute I got back home, it would have been easy to go back to my life before my mini retirement, where I was stuck in an environment that was inherently challenging for me to thrive in. I haven't been getting any of these jobs because I don't really want them, because I know that it won't make me happy. The only reason why I want any of the W2 jobs I've applied for is because I want paid for health insurance, a 401(k) and the ability to take out a mortgage. I don't want to do the job. Whether that's abundantly clear to the people reviewing my resume or the universe, it's obvious that this is reason why I'm not getting anywhere in my job search.
So, what does this mean? I am of two minds because I want to offer myself flexibility and because I know either path will eventually lead me to where I want to be--self-employed. The first is that I pull the trigger on increasing my capital pool allotted for trading and I use that as my primary source of income. I use my time to build a business, one where I get all of the qualities I wrote down in my list above. Becoming a full-time entrepreneur feels like the thing I have to do--at some point--it's just a lot scarier and harder to put into action. This means being okay with delaying my first home purchase, making a smaller / more inconsistent income, and constantly dealing with the unknowns. The second option is to take a job that gives me tangible benefits and stability but means I'll have less energy/time to spend on trading / building a business. The key here is that this job would have to be remote since it's a means to an end. Since any W2 job most certainly means that I will have limited independence and ability to choose who I work with, I will have to accept these tradeoffs in exchange for being able to purchase a home more quickly.
Taking a step back from this whole process, I now see that this experience is happening for me to realize what it is that I actually want. I started this mini retirement with the goal of figuring out how I want to spend my 30s and how to live a more joyful existence. I now see that the continuous job rejections have actually been a reflection of me rejecting the job-driven miseries of my 20s. I have been trying to protect my peace and ensure I don't end up in the same place in ten years. This moment is happening for me, not to me.