My word of 2023: flow
It's taken me a couple of weeks to decide my word of 2023. This feels like a year of big uncertainty and change for me, as I don't know where I'll end up when my mini retirement ends. The end date is slated for around mid/end June, but it all depends on what happens over the next 5-6 months or so. Given the many unknowns facing me, I think the one thing I can do to enjoy this experience as much as possible is go with the flow, be in flow, follow flow. I had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day where she pointed out that certain things bother me a lot (compared to other people) because I have a desire to control my environment. In fact, I like to control all aspects of my life. But, as I learned last year, there is really is no time or space for that. The world continues to exist and operate outside of us and it's all we can do to go with the flow. I feel like I've wasted a lot of energy and emotions constantly resisting the reality that exists in front of me. Whether it was a manager I never saw eye-to-eye with or a baby crying on a plane, instead of just accepting that those things were real and weren't going to change, I tried to fight them. Time and time again, I've learned that this is not an effective or healthy way of dealing with things. So, this year, I really want to be at peace and I think the best way to achieve that is by going with the flow.
A few weeks ago, I was at a pottery class and three and a half hours flew by without a single bathroom break or a desire to take a break. I walked out of that class feeling elated, realizing that I had experienced flow in a profound way that I don't think I've experienced before. I felt truly happy, at peace, and like I finally belonged in this body, in this space in time, in this world. I felt like I had touched what I've been chasing all along. The concept of "flow," as articulated by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is that feeling of being "in the zone," where effort and active experience meet. Achieving flow states are a key ingredient for living a life well lived, one where you feel pleased at the effort you've put into creating a meaningful life.
One interesting way I'm already going with the flow is in how I decide what to do. I used to be a little more focused on sticking to a schedule and doing whatever I had planned for the day. Now, I'm listening to my body, feeling my mood, and also taking cues from the outside world, to be more flexible with what I do on a daily basis. It's been really nice not scheduling and planning every little thing and just being open to stuff that either pops up or feels right in the moment.
On a completely separate note, I'm coming to the conclusion that I am someone who needs a primary project to focus on. As much as I have enjoyed dabbling in various projects and hobbies over the last six months, I feel like I am missing the joy I get when I'm focused on a something that is meaningful to me and can occupy the majority of my time and attention. While I am still exploring and thinking about what that thing should be, I do think it is a project that addresses a valuable need/problem...one that I can feel proud of working on and can feel like is a meaningful use of my time.
I think deep down I know this means starting and operating my own startup. I was considering working with a coach to help me identify my ideal job path, but as I was going through the introductory call with her, I sort of realized that I want to be an entrepreneur. I didn't need coaching to figure that out. Deep down, I think I am terrified of failure. If I want to be an entrepreneur and have that be my primary identity, them failing at that would be losing the identity of the thing I want to be most before even having really become that. Part of me feels like now is not the right time to actually be working on the business. I am feeling a lot of resistance towards actually working on the business idea I came up with four months ago. Part of me wonders if it's because I'm scared of going all in, actually doing the thing, and then failing. The other part of me also feels like right now actually the time to learn and explore more about this industry, so that I am educated and confident, so that when I am ready, I can really go all in. Part of going with the flow is learning to be more open to my intuition on what to work on and when.
I used to think that I had to be an instant success to prove I was on the right path, but now I want to take my time and do things in a way that feel authentic to me...even if it takes longer and doesn't look like the path that others are taking. Here's to finding more flow in 2023!