Rising to the opportunity of managing my stress
It’s been a few weeks since I started the part-time startup gig I mentioned in my last post. It has been one heck of a transition and the first thing I want to acknowledge is that I made the right choice a few months ago not to return to a full time role. If working for someone else—for a fraction of the hours of a full time job—is this challenging, I can’t even fathom how I would be adjusting to a true 9-5. I still consider my primary profession to be a trader and investor. This is what I am most excited about and want to get better at. While the startup work is somewhat interesting, at the end of the day it just feels like any another analytical job.
On the logistical side, there are three major issues.
The first is that someone else controls my time, albeit a fraction of my week. It’s still enough to mess with my schedule and limits how I structure my day or week. I’ve been put on a lot of last minute calls, which I also don’t like but can’t say no to. It’s challenging going from two years of unfettered freedom to being forced to spend some a significant amount of time doing what someone tells me to and when to do it.
The second major issue is that there is a weekly in-office “requirement.” My roundtrip commute is 3-4 hours and requires 3+ modes of transportation each way. Going into the office even once a week means an entire day gets eaten up even though I only bill for the few hours I’m in the office doing work and even worse, I can’t trade. It’s a little TBD on how strictly it will be enforced given that there are so few team members and people are traveling and taking vacation over the next couple of months. One possibility is that if I am forced to go into the office, I will reduce the number of days I’m available. I currently spread the hours over four days, ensuring there is coverage for most of the week, but if I lose an entire day commuting, I will need to cut this down to three days to really compress the amount of time, energy, and brain space I spend on this part-time job to free up time for my other work.
The third issue is that being part time is challenging in general from a time and management perspective. The first two weeks, I was constantly available and online because I’m new and want to make a good impression and also get up to speed quickly. However, by the end of week two, I was getting really agitated and feeling like I wasn’t able to do anything on the trading side. Potentially one issue is that I was thrown into projects too quickly instead of being given time to learn about the company, the product, and the very basics that enable a new employee to successfully onboard. Lastly, I’m given more work and tight deadlines than are appropriate for someone who is part time and thus not available around the clock. I am flagging these to my manager proactively but it doesn’t take away from the stress and constant sense of urgency to get things done even though I don’t have any more hours. Last week, I had to go over by five hours, which while I’m getting paid for, is not something I want to do. Basically, it feels like I’m basically full-time from an energy management POV even though I’m only paid for a fraction of the week.
All of this led to me feeling very overwhelmed and burned out—if that’s even possible after two weeks—and I was definitely feeling the impact on my mental and physical health acutely. Lately, I’ve been into tracking my health and wellness, especially metrics around HRV, nervous system regulation, and stress through the Welltory app and was really disheartened to see all my metrics plunge after I started the job. I’ve spent so much time and energy over the past two years trying to get my health back on track and to see it wrecked in a matter of days was pretty depressing.
The physical symptoms and drop in wellness score were also reflecting my mental health. I have been having anxiety and trouble sleeping—often waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about deadlines and unable to fall back asleep for hours—all for a part time job!! I was trying to pinpoint why I was letting all of this get to me, because I know better than anyone else that all of this does not matter. It will not matter in three months when the contract is over and frankly, it does not matter today. So then why have I been letting the “stress” of this job eat me up?
It’s because I am so terrified of turning into the unhappy, anxious, unhealthy person that I used to be at all of my jobs. Like I said, I have worked so hard to be in the mental and physical state I am in today (or three weeks ago) and I’m afraid that being in the wrong environment will trigger the old version of me to come out of its shell and take over. I was afraid that the “real" me is this miserable, anxious, and angry person.
After taking the weekend to decompress, I realized that this is an opportunity to prove to myself that I am not that person. Those tendencies come out in certain environments like paid employment, but they are not the real me. Unlike the me from my pre-layoff days, I have the awareness that I am not that miserable person. Back in those days, I was truly burnt out and stuck in my patterns of victimhood, depression, anxiety, alcohol dependency, and so on. But, things are different now. I am embracing these three months as an opportunity to handle stress in a better way. The challenge is to not succumb to the feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, people pleasing, and conflict aversion and to meet myself in the moment with grace and compassion.
At the beginning of this week, I made a list of things I wanted to do to make it a better week and I am already feeling so much better—mentally and physically. I feel less overwhelmed and like I can make it through to the end of this contract. Here are some things that I’m focusing on—and encourage you to consider if you can relate to anything I’m experiencing:
Delete Slack from phone. Create clear boundaries (time/energy/mental space) for when I’m on the clock vs off.
Getting off Slack has been a game changer. I look at Slack when I’m on my computer and that’s it.
I’ve been saying no to meetings that are outside my available working hours.
Spend time outside and get more vitamin D.
I’ve been having my morning coffee outside to start the day off nicely.
Move my body with cardio and yoga.
Exercise always makes me feel better. I think the mental health benefits are just as good as the physical ones.
Eat well—more fresh fruits and vegetables and less processed food.
This has impacted my mood and focus greatly. One of the reasons I like wfh so much is that I have the time to make a really nutricious meal and enjoy it!
Find things outside of work to enjoy and look forward to. Invest in who I am outside of work, money, capitalist society.
So far, I’ve started floral arrangement and signing up to lead a nonprofit benefit. I’m also looking into death doula training in the fall.
Do what I can. If I can’t do something, it’s okay. Give myself grace for not being everything to everyone.
I feel guilty when I say no or push back, but it’s part of building a sustainable routine.
While the first two weeks were challenging, already this week is much better. I know that this does not matter and will pass and so I will continue doing my best to rise to the challenge of managing my stress. I’ve literally been training for this moment my whole life, so I know I can do it. If you’re in a tight spot, try to get out of the messy daily noise and take a step back. You’ve done much harder things before and so you can do this too—and in an even better way—for you.