It's easy to be confident when things are going well
As I reflect back on the highs and lows of my twenties, it was easy to feel confident when things were on the up and up. Whether it was getting a raise or a job that I wanted, it was natural to feel good about myself and my life. On the flip side, when things were not going well, either at work or when getting broken up with, it was easy to feel like the world's biggest loser who deserved nothing. I think because of this reliance on the outside world, namely validation from other people, life always felt like a rollercoaster. I'd never really know if the ride was going to drop 30 feet at any given moment in time because I let other people's opinions dictate where the ride was going.
Things right now are both good and bad--good, because I am lucky to have a safety net to deal with this unknowable job market, and bad, because this is one of the worst jobs markets and finding a job is taking much longer than I could've anticipated. I'm working on building confidence in myself during this time specifically because of the fact that things are not going super well. I know that I can get through this time of uncertainty and that coming out of this experience will make me stronger. Being self-aware, loving yourself in the context of challenges that life hands you, is a great way to build real love and respect for yourself. It's not dependent on external validation and comes solely from within you.
In moments of challenge and the anxiety of uncertainty, I am focused on doing my best on the things I can control. These are the inputs into a good life. Moving my body, being curious about the world, trying new things, and being incredibly thankful for each and every little thing. Regardless of the outcomes, I can say to myself that I am doing my best to live up to my values and to make the best of all that I have. I recently heard a quote from Zora Neale Hurston: "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." This must be a year that asks questions--because there are certainly no clear answers--yet 😂.
Rather than continuing to blame and despise myself for not knowing what it is I want to do next, I am trying to reframe this time as a necessary transition to enabling a better future. Rather than lamenting a decade of wasted efforts, I'm celebrating having tried many things to help me figure out how to make the most of the next 20, 30, 40, 50 years to come. Here's to a year that asks questions so that next year can be one of good, honest, and thoughtful answers.